How To Have a Weird Theory

According to my mom, spider veins are caused when people refuse to wear socks.

No joke. She legitimately believes that this is true.

I tried to tell her the other day that this idea was, and still is, completely and utterly absurd. "It makes perfect sense!" she kept telling me in the car, and kept rattling on and on about why she was right, and why I was wrong. Her mind was pretty much made up, so I plugged in my mp3 Player named Wonder, and drowned out her whiny voice with epic music the rest of the way home.

I don't know all the factors that lead to getting spider veins, but I know that age and heredity are one of them. Not wearing socks, on the other hand, is debatable. Our conversation in her red Jeep Compass basically went as follows:

Me: What are you talking about? How the heck does a person get verrucas veins from not wearing any socks inside the house?
Mom: Come on, Chiaki! Even a grade one-er would know the answer to this! Two plus two equals four!
Me: Oh my gosh. My Health teacher told us in class the other day that you are wrong.
Mom: Tell your teacher that she is wrong. Is she a doctor? No! Is my doctor a doctor? Yes! Of course she is! And she told me that not wearing socks inside the house is how you get verrucas veins!
Me: -_- I bet if the doctor told you about a shampoo that makes you smarter, you would believe her.
Mom: WHAAAAAAT? What are you going on about now? How does shampoo and brain cells link? >.>
Me: Well, maybe the soapy bubbly stuff gets absorbed into the cells on your head, and then it seeps into your brain, thus making you smarter :D
Mom: That makes no sense. The shampoo is on the outside, and your brain is on the inside. That's impossible.
Me: And your veins are inside your legs, and the cold floor is outside of your feet.
Mom: Whatever. I'm not talking to you, anymore. You're just talking nonsense now...

Yeah. I'm the one spurring out nonsense.

This little conversation made me aware of a couple of things.
1) How grateful I should be that my mom's weird theories didn't ruin my social life
2) My mom isn't the only person with weird theories

Congratulations, you lucky How To Be Epik reader! Today, you have the awesome privilege of reading up on weird theories  ^_^ Yeah, yeah. I know the title of this blog entry is called, "HOW TO Have a Weird Theory," which basically leads smart people to believe that this blog is going to tell you how to accomplish nonsense, although I must point out that How To is simply a fancy thing I decided to put before every title on this blog, since, y'know, this blog is called How To Be Epik, and it would be pretty cool if all the titles commenced with How To... and blah! This is a long sentence D:

I would also like to thank EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!! If you subscribed to this blog, left a comment, voted in the poll, or even just read the post (and didn't comment because you're cool that way (*cough*Flavia*cough*Rebecca*cough*Maria*cough*)), then I...love you forever. Seriously. You have just made a little girl (500 FREAKING POUNDS, MAN! Haha, just kidding :P) in a small town VERY VERY HAPPY. In fact, you have all made my dream come true. I made a list a while ago of 101 Things I Want To Do Before I Die, and blogging was on one of them. I love you guys forever, and award you all virtual muffins. You have no idea how thrilled you have made me. Even if you hated the blog layout, the post, or thought I was some immature freak hyped up on sugar, I still love you, for taking ten minutes of your life which you shall never get back, and devoting them to this blog ^_^

Well...maybe twenty minutes for some of you, but still :) You guys are all amazing,

<3

Back to the blog. As already mentioned, the first thing I came to realise was how lucky I was that my mom's weirdness did not damage my social life as much as it could have.

Now, I am not the type of person who goes all, "WAAAAAAAH! WHADDUP WITH MY SOCIAL LIFE? D: EWWWWWWW! WHY DOESN'T SHE TALK TO ME ANYMORE?" No way. I have way better things to obsess over. Like Tom Felton, for example :P (for the record, I am now over him. Stalking him is just BOR-ING -_-) I'll wonder about that stuff, sometimes. Like, if one of my friends is avoiding me, I'll obsess over it accordingly, but I try not to be overly-obsessive. So I can focus on other things! Life doesn't evolve around one person, y'know.

Anyway, back to the point I was trying to make last paragraph. If you grew up with my mom and her weird theories, you would doubt almost every single thing said to you. For example...

A lot of little girls love to make crowns or tiaras out of flowers. Well, that was the "in-thing" with all the other five year olds in my area. But then my mom told me that there were teeny tiny bugs living inside the flowers. I love flowers, but hate bugs, as all sane people should. Well, I didn't believe her. One day, I brought my flower-woven tiara inside, and on the kitchen table. I turned around for a couple minutes to do something, and when I turned around again, there were bugs EVERYWHERE! Well, not everywhere, but in enough places to make me scream. These little black objects all just marched out of the flowers and started swarming this random little spot on the table, and I was there, sobbing because I just remembered that that tiara had been in my hair, and now there were probably bugs up there. Which just sucks. It's almost as bad as the time Kyle told me toast was better than muffins, which it's not, for the record :P (I also blame this on The Law of Attraction, by the way)

So score one for my mom. But then she told me things like, "Ohh! Your toys will come alive at night and take you away unless you're sleeping by 8:00!" and "If you don't wear socks in the house, you're going to get big ugly veins all over your legs" and other weirdness. " My mom believed some of the theories she told us, but made up others for the sole purpose of getting us to do what she wanted. Mind you, they worked, but it was often difficult to tell whether or not she believed herself. Because of this, we often confused the truth with the lies, and often looked quite odd in front of other children.

It's just plain embarrassing when teachers ask you a question, and you answer, and it turns out you gave an answer way far from the truth, and it's all your mom's fault for having stupid theories.

Randomness ^^^^

I shouldn't be bagging on my mom, though. I love her...when I'm not yelling at her. She's pretty awesome when she's not yelling at me, too ^_^ Plus, she's not the only one with messed-up theories. I know plenty of other people that have twisted theories, too! ^_^

TIME TO START NAMING THEM!! XD

Okay, so you know how when you shed skin, you leave behind a trail of dust? Well, I guess it's not necessarily a trail, but your dead skin cells are basically dust. One of the girls in my Tap class last year had a Science teacher, who believed that if you shed all your skin in a particular spot, you would eventually have your own little clone growing inside your room.

Can I just say that having your very own clone would be total awesome-possumness!! ? SERIOUSLY! They would...go to school for you, eat your vegetables (eeeew!) and everything! Oh! Have any of you guys seen that cartoon by Pip Animation Studios, that played on Teletoon? 'Twas called Carl^2 ("Carl Squared") and it was the best human-clone show EVER!! XD

I like weird cartoons. Don't judge.

On the topic of vegetables and how they are gross, I would just like to point out four things. One. One of the ways our school is divided is by the Meat Lovers and the Veggie-Freaks. Two. Next week, the cafeteria has decided to only sell vegetables. Three. I blame the vegetarians. Four. This is terrible, and lowers the overall rating of my school. I predict there shall be blood shed next week.

Now that that point was made, and quite randomly, on with theories!

Children also tend to have weird theories. For example, when I was younger, I had no idea how babies were born. No one ever bothered to tell me, so for some reason, I had this random idea (completely out of the blue) that people bought babies at drug stores. They were in little cages, and the people shopping would buy the baby they liked the best. I also thought that children didn't grow up. I  thought I would be four years old forever, which would just suck, by the way. But then I learned that people did grow older, and eventually I would be taller. I thought that this happened all in one burst. One minute, I'd be sitting down at a table, eating quite awesomely. And the next thing I know, dramatic music starts playing, I grow really tall, and am super-mature with all the skills the average adult seems to have.

It was quite an amazing thought :3 Especially since I was taller than my mom AND my dad, so I was like 6 foot-something, which is a height I am convinced I shall never reach :(

More weird theories!!

In future generations, humans will no longer posses a pinkie toe D: I decided to put this theory in bold because....well, I'm just cool that way :P But seriously. I'm starting to think that I should've just made a list of all the theories I was going to talk about, and then expanded on each. Whatever.

Coackroaches are invincible. I have NO idea if this is true or not, though I am convinced that this is pretty far-fetched. You see dear non-cockroach, cockroaches are bugs. Bugs are tiny. Humans are big. Humans squish bugs. Bugs die. And people, that is the natural order of things! Don't give me some speech on bug-rights or something, because no matter what the law tells me, I am still going to accidentally kill bugs. I walk on grass everyday, and who knows how many bugs I step on?

The first time I saw the Invincible Cockroach idea was during an episode of The Fairly Oddparents. I vaguely recall a bomb, and lots of roaches, and not dying. If roaches can survive atomic bombs, I think that the government should make larger versions of cockroach skin, sell them, and whenever a nuclear-bomb warning thingy goes off, we should all jump into a giant cockroach skin, and prepare for impact.

Oh my gosh, I just came up with all that while writing O_O I am a genius. I think I have just solved the world's nuclear war problem. Or something...

IF YOU ARE THE ENEMY, DISREGARD WHAT YOU HAVE JUST READ! I actually don't know who the enemy is.... I don't make it a habit to keep up with these things.

Wow, I just realised I could do a whole blog post on war.

But back to theories. One of the weird and messed-up ones I have (and I am quite convinced of this) has to do with corn skin. I think it might have been L.S. Tredom who told me this. Apparently, it's really difficult for your stomach to digest corn skin, or something. So. What if there was a suit, made entirely of corn skin, and you had to walk through a pool of acid? I bet if you wore the suit of corn-skin, you wouldn't burn.

Never mind the fact that I doubt anyone would ever find themselves in a situation where they would have to walk through a pool of acid, but you never know. The apocalypse may possibly be approaching.

Something I love to do is trick a small kid into thinking I have secret powers. You know those automatic doors? The ones that open by themselves thanks to a suspicious little sensor? Well, when I was seven, I always found it quite amusing to go up to a door, shout, "OPEN SESAME!" with my hand stretched out, Voldemort-style, and then watch as the door would "magically" swing open by itself. Smaller kids watching would gasp at my amazingess. I also liked to make kids cry by passionately eating a lollipop in front of them when I was three (and other sweets, like ice cream, but mostly lollipops), but that's another story :P

Okay, so you guys are all probably getting quite bored now, and possibly a little creeped out at the above paragraph. I mean, what monster would want to make little boys and girls cry? Well, I did. Deal with it. I'm going to talk about one more theory now, and that theory is one that a lot of people seem to have. It also has to do with colours, which makes it awesome.

Okay, here goes.

What if you saw different colours than me? For example, I'm staring at a purple binder right now. What I see is purple, and what you see might be what I call "yellow." But what I call yellow is "purple" to you, so then it seems like everything is all good, but in reality, it's not, because one of our visions are rigged 0_o

WEIRD THEORIES!! FTW! XD

That's about it for today, folks. As usual, I shall end this post with several questions to readers ^_^

• Does anyone you know have any weird theories?
• Do YOU have any weird theories? O_O
• Have you ever heard of the cartoon show called Carl^2?
• Are cockroaches actually invincible? >.>
• Are you a meat lover? :D
• Is the new blog design kind of weird? (yeah, nothing to do with the post, but who cares :P)
• I AM NOT A BULLY! (just had to say that, in case you guys start thinking I spent my childhood shoving other kids off of swings. I was actually quite quiet, for the record :P)
• Uhh...any other comments? :P

That's more questions than last week, but we're that cool ^_^ Plus, you don't need to answer all of them. It's not like I'm going to find out where you live, and then chase you with a flaming empurpled broom. Even though that would get my out of French class, I can't risk missing a day :(

One more theory to think of before you leave! The Earth is flat!! ^_^ And I am a penguin :)